


What We Really Are

by thesometimeswarrior



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode: s01e45 Rose's Scabbard, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-11-02 12:08:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20740940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesometimeswarrior/pseuds/thesometimeswarrior
Summary: By the time Pinkhadactually returned—springing out of her Gemstone in the form of Rose Quartz and beaming at Pearl as she did—Pearl herself had been on the cusp of a deep panic from which it would take hermonthsto recover. But, Rose was stillthere, Roseneededher, so there was little space for Pearl to feel anything else. And, in the millennia that followed, each time that niggling panic would resurface—what if she doesn’t re-form?—Rose was still right there as a grounding reminder, a welcome refutation.But what if she hadn’t been? What if she had left her, alone, and stewing and festering in those thoughts formillennia? What would she…? Would she have become like…?Pink had left Spinel in the Garden.Pearl reflects on Spinel. Steven listens.





	What We Really Are

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was partially conceived of as a coda to my piece [Concealed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782742), which I wrote a little over a year ago, but which felt relevant to Pearl's understanding of Spinel's story. If you enjoy this piece, you might also wanna give that one a look!
> 
> In any case, I do hope that you enjoy!

It’s not until several days after Spinel leaves the planet in the Diamond Ship that Steven relates the entire story of her grievance, what exactly had happened to her to transform her from the bouncy Gem that Pearl remembers—and who had made a reprise appearance along with the rest of them—to the being who very nearly destroyed _everything_, Steven included. Of course, the basic premise had been clear—some sort of grudge against Pink (in what, Pearl has to admit, is something of an ironic reversal of the typical, if misguided, grudge against _Rose_.) But the particularities of that grudge, what could have possibly driven _Spinel_ of all Gems to such a feat had baffled her. 

But when Steven explains—the Garden, the Game, that Gem-wrenching _loneliness_—everything suddenly slots into place with a clarity that sends chills reverberating down Pearl’s form. 

She tries to hide it—unsuccessfully, she’s sure—in an attempt to allow Steven to have the catharsis of the explanation (that’s been a resolution of hers, these past several years, ensuring that she doesn’t rob him of those moments as she might have unwittingly done in the past). But as soon as the conversation seems to allow it, she rushes to the Warp pad, doesn’t stop moving until she smells gargantuan strawberries and is gazing at them from the highest of the floating platforms. 

(If she has sacred spaces, this is chief among them.) 

(Did Spinel have…was the Garden…?)

(What must the Garden be to Spinel now?)

Pearl lets her legs droop underneath her, allows herself to land on the grassy ground. It’s nighttime, the stars twinkle above her, and the full moon casts something of a surreal white glow on her and the whole vista before her. It’d been a full moon _then_ too. That light had reflected off of Rose’s hair in a shiny, pink gloss that radiated like the Diamond she had been. 

Pink—because, Quartz-form notwithstanding, she hadn’t _quite_ been Rose then, not yet—had offered her a choice. Stay and fight with her, relinquishing Homeworld, or be allowed to go home, and in any way that mattered relinquish her Diamond. At the time, it had been such an obvious decision. For a Gem like a Pearl (or a Spinel?), _home_ never felt like a place so much as a person, like the existential state that came with knowing that you were fulfilling your purpose for that person. And so _why_ would Pearl want to go back to Homeworld when her Diamond wouldn’t be there? When her real home was on Earth?

It hadn’t been until centuries later, after the staged Shattering, when—still reeling from what she had done—she’d hidden away in some cave, cradling Pink’s Gemstone as she waited for her to re-form, in those long weeks of oppressive aloneness with only her racing thoughts to keep her company, that a caveat slowly began to dawn on her. Earth would be home so long as Pink—_Rose_—was there. But _without_ her…

(_What if she never re-formed_?)

(_What if she did re-form, but decided that she no longer wanted anything to do with Pearl?! _)

(Pearl’d be stuck, purposeless and alone in some back corner of a random galaxy…What would she do? What would she _do_?)

By the time Pink _had_ actually returned—springing out of her Gemstone in the form of Rose Quartz and beaming at Pearl as she did—Pearl herself had been on the cusp of a deep panic from which it would take her _months_ to recover. And even then, it was less that she ever truly _recovered_ from it as much as it was overshadowed by the even more overwhelming pain that the Corruption brought. Pink—_Rose,_ by then—had sunken in on herself, consumed by guilt and anger and sadness, so of course Pearl had too. (Despite the fact that it was Rose’s idea, Pearl had wielded the sword that “shattered” Pink, after all. If not for her, the other Diamonds wouldn’t have…have...) Besides, Rose was still _there_, and Rose _needed_ her, so there was little space for Pearl to feel anything else. And, in the millennia that followed, each time that niggling panic would resurface—_what if she doesn’t re-form? _—Rose was still right there as a grounding reminder, a welcome refutation.

But what if she hadn’t been? What if she had left her in that cave, alone, and stewing and festering in those thoughts for _millennia_? What would she…? Would she have become like…?

Pink had left Spinel in the Garden.

Pearl sighs. For a brief instant, she considers that perhaps she should go talk to Spinel individually, but the instant the idea occurs to her, something in her Gem _lurches_. Even beyond the fact that she prefers to avoid going to Homeworld—Galaxy Warp and the Pearls’ newfound liberation notwithstanding—the thought of looking in Spinel’s eyes now that she knows everything, seeing what she, Pearl, might have felt, what she might have done, might have _been_…it’s too much. She _can’t_.

(Perhaps that makes her a coward.)

Behind her, she distantly hears the _whoosh_ of Lion’s constructed warp portal, the scuttle of footsteps, a small grunt as he jumps, and then… 

“Pearl.” Steven’s voice is all concern. “Are you…okay?”

“Ah.” She turns to face him, attempting to sound more cheerful and secure than she feels. “Yes. I’m sorry I left like that. I didn’t mean to undermine—”

He raises a hand. “No worries—you didn’t. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, really…it’s just…I…Spinel…what she was, what she became…” Another sigh. She feels the façade slip, and once it seems like Steven really is alright and not just putting on a front, it drops entirely. “That could have been me.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was built for Pink, just as I was. But Pink—_Rose_—brought _me_ with her. From the moment I was given to her, I…I never left her side. But if she had just _abandoned_ me, like she did Spinel…”

“But…” Steven says gently, tentatively, sitting down on the patch of grass beside her. “Pearl…she _did_...ya know, when I was born…And you didn’t become…” His voice trails away.

“That’s true,” she responds quietly, pushing past the way her muscles tense. “But, immediately following Rose’s…well, when she..._left_…there were times I might have…I nearly…If Garnet and Amethyst hadn’t been there to support me, I don’t know _what_ I would have done. Who I would have been.”

“You had people who cared about you to help you through it. Spinel didn’t. And that’s really sad.” He turns his eyes up to the stars. “She does now. I hope it helps her.” He pauses. “But, Pearl, no matter what _you_ might have become if things were different, no matter who you _might_ have been, who you actually _were_ was this amazing Gem who was always there to protect me, and teach me, and help me, and raise me, and _love_ me, even though I must have always reminded you of Mom. And you _still_ do all that stuff. _That's_ who you are, Pearl. And doesn’t that…doesn't that matter more?”

Once, so many years ago now it seems, the two of them had sat here in this very spot. She hadn’t been able to look at him, then, but he’d hugged her anyway, told her: _Well, I think you’re pretty great._ She’d cried, and it had been its own kind of catharsis, a release of a breath that she hadn’t known she was holding. 

Now, she can look at him as he reaches to embrace her, and does—marveling yet again at how much he’s grown, how _proud_ of him she is—but she nonetheless cries this time too. And this time, it’s equally cathartic.

What she might have been, who she might have been—all that fear bound up in hypotheticals—fades, replaced instead by a grounding reminder of what _is_. She's here. She's happy. And so is he. This boy, well _young man_ now, did that. 

(Then again, he always had.)

"Yes," Pearl responds finally, with a small, watery smile. "That matters more."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I love comments!


End file.
